The title says it all: I am tired of being railroaded by my mind. I want freedom! I demand to be set free! It’s been playing too long of a role in my life and I’m ready to fire her ass.
I honestly have been in denial about my anxiety for a long time. I catered the worry in my mind by self medicating with marijuana which only enhanced my worrying and caused me to to derail into a deeper depression at one point in my life a few years ago. For the longest time, I have not had a good grip on balancing my happiness with my incompleteness. If something good was happening to me, I rationalized it by believing that it wasn’t real, wasn’t meant for me, or that somehow it would be taken away or ruined. And I was always right.
It turns out that I’ve always been the one sabotaging shit in my life. That’s a hard self-realization to come to – that it’s always you holding YOU back. Why is it this happens? I think it happens to a lot of us. We’re human – it’s kind of instinctual almost to go to that place of inner doubt and fear but…why?
Lack of faith. It’s that simple.
This year has been a journey of self growth for me; everything that I thought I knew before turning thirty about life itself has been turned on its head: I don’t consider myself a Christian anymore (I do still love God ya’ll), I haven’t had decent sex in over a year or more(which I am okay with, like really), I’ve learned that words MATTER – what I think about – will manifest itself into my life – good or bad, I have had to confront multiple demons in my closet (I’m still working on this) and come to the resounding relevation that I want/deserve more out of this life than the life that I am currently living…and that it is solely on me to make that change happen.
So, as my mind grows and evolves, my attitude towards myself and life itself changes – I am more upbeat, happy, smiling, embracing life and I am praying everyday, practicing self love affirmations, writing in my journal every night and meditating. And guess what? It’s working! I feel so liberated. I feel free! I haven’t felt this good about anything ever. I think I am on cloud nine, just floating, floating, floating in the air and nothing can bring me down.
My anxiety: *Bitch, hold my beer*
When she hits me, it’s like a tidal wave. I cannot move, my mind is crippled and everything that I have been learning to love and accept about myself and life itself is thrown out the window. I question shit. I over-analyze. I overthink. I worry. I am in doubt and fear and I question my intuitions which you should never do because your intuition isn’t wrong. It’s your “God gut” – it’s never wrong.
But that’s all it can take to reset all of the positive work that I have been putting in; I went to see Iyanla Vanzant last month while I was having my anxiety issues and she said something that stuck out to me – it takes 17 seconds for the Universe to record our thoughts and that one simple negative thought negates all of the positive ones. As I sat there listening to her, I was just like, “Fuck my life.”
The thing with fear is that it stops all progression. It halts everything. It has no sense of calm when it comes around – it just fucks everything up. Fear ruins relationships, work life, home life, and your mental state of mind. Fear stems from lack of faith. Not trusting in what you cannot see.
Has fear helped you in life? It’s never helped me. It has only stunted my growth, my learning experiences, my love life, my professional life, etc. I used to believe that by not stepping out on faith and trusting what I did not know made me strong but in retrospect, it made me weaker.
What a scary life to live to be too afraid to trust God! To trust the Universe! God only wants the absolute best for me (and you too) and why should I sell myself short? Why is that I have to be in control of things when I know with absolute certainty that I have no control over anything in my life, period?
Self-sabotage is reckless! I am not trying to depress anyone with this blog but I hope that someone can relate to my experience of having anxiety and fear. I know I am not alone in this. I know that many struggle with this everyday, in the privacy of their homes, suffering in silence. It’s okay!
I am with you. I understand your pain. Anxiety is a bitch but here’s the great thing about it – you have the power to reset your path. You do not have to accept the fear and the worry. You can acknowledge that you have a problem with letting go and trusting the unknown. You can accept that your faith meter is a little low on juice and needs a rejuvenation. And you can choose to be better, do better, every single day.
It’s not easy. It’s not something that happens overnight but you can fight this thing with everything that you got.
That’s what I’ve chosen to do. I am surrendering to what is. I am surrendering to the NOW. I am letting go and trusting what I cannot see because nothing else has seemed to work in my favor when I try to control the situation or the outcome. I have no power over the future, I have no reliance on the past…I have only have the now and I determined to keep my energy light and filled with love and optimism.
How do I do that?
I pray every morning and night. I repeatedly say what I am grateful for. I stare in my bathroom mirror and repeat love affirmations to myself (“I am love, I am light, I am powerful, I am strong, I am confident” – choose what works for you), I meditate and become very still – when a negative thought or I feel a sense of anxiety kicking in, I repeat my mantras, and I breathe deeply in and out. I become so still and quiet. And I then recognize that the fear, that anxiety, it isn’t truly who I am, it isn’t in the essence of my being but it is in my mind – rooted in pain and hurt from past experiences and situations. It is something that needs continued healing and self care but it is something I cannot give power over to.
That’s the hard part – not allowing it to overcome you because it can feel like it’s all that you are, and fear KNOWS you so it knows how to push your buttons and revert your way of thinking back to worry and self doubt. You have to be stronger than IT. You have to want more for self than that life. There’s so much more in this life for all of us but a lot of us do not tap into it because we are living a life that’s safe or what we know for sure.
On this journey, I have learned that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and that if I am trusting the spiritual realm of things – fear cannot reside in my human form but if I am allowing the human experience to have its say then everything is up for grabs – depression, anxiety, self-medicating, etc.
What happens if I choose to trust the Universe, release and let go? What happens when I stop allowing myself to succumb to my mind and accept what is? Hold on a second, I’m going to find out. 🙂