Today’s my birthday. I’ve officially entered my thirties today. Twenties? Buh bye. It was nice knowing you, loving you, and thoroughly hating you but it’s time to press forward and I’ll be honest, I’ve been in a funk for a few weeks thinking about this day. I don’t think I’m having a mid-life crisis but I internalize all of my feelings, I analyze every emotion I have and I’ve been driving myself MAD with overthinking everything.
My inner thoughts go a little something like this:
Where am I going with my life? What am I doing? I need to save more money. I need to get my house next year. I need to lose these last twenty-five pounds before my metabolism slows all the way down and I’m FUCKED. I need to fast, no, maybe I’ll try the keto diet, no, just never eat again in my life! I want to have sex but I rather have love so I’ll wait on the sex. Will I ever get the love part though? Where is my husband? Maybe I should be tithing more?
See? I’ve been all over the place. My reaction to feeling overwhelmed forces me to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I dive deep into my social media obsession and shut everything else out. I’m not praying as much, I’m not allowing myself to feel anything, I’m just going with whatever.
In the midst of my feelings being everywhere, I blocked some numbers that needed to be cleansed from my spirit. God knows the desires of my heart. I talk to him about it daily, I’ve written it out, I’ve meditated over it but that also means that the enemy knows my desires as well and sometimes he likes to send counterfeits to try to take me off my course.
After all I’ve been through these last few years, I’m no dummy. I can spot a fuckboy a mile away. I peep game. And I’ll easily erase a person from my life and memory as quickly as I met them. I’m so grateful that I have learned the power of discernment. I’m even more grateful that I have learned the ability to say “no” and be okay with it.
For so long, I’ve always worried about pleasing others, making sure that everyone around was happy before I actually checked with myself to see how I’m doing. I put others’ needs before my own and I have steadily been disappointed by i
I’m going to branch off topic a bit but I recently read a book by Shonda Rhimes called “The Year of YES!” – if you don’t know who Shonda Rhimes is (sidenote: what’s wrong with you?) – just know that she’s the mastermind behind Grey’s Anatomy. Anyway, in the book, she has already acquired millions, she has her children, she has multiple successful television shows and she thinks she should be happy but she’s not.
She’s unfulfilled because she has not led her best life yet. She hasn’t lived in her truth yet. And so she learns the power of saying “yes” – of experiencing and living life to her fullest – of rediscovering what she loves and what makes her happy – not things or people – but what fulfills her spirit and being.
The book resonated with me deeply. I wanted to know what that felt like to just LIVE in today, in this moment, to say YES to things to that I desire but the ability to say NO to the things that I simply just don’t want to do. I told myself that I would begin my year of YES when I turned thirty – bring in this new chapter of my life with a bang!
And that’s when the enemy creeped in – keeping me up at night, consumed by social media, crippling my thoughts and actions with overthinking. To point it bluntly, I’ve been in a funk. I don’t want to admit it but these last few weeks have bothered the hell out of me. Is it normal to start feeling a rush of emotions when you’re about to turn thirty or am I overexaggerating? Please let ya girl know!
SO yesterday morning I went on trail walk/jog. I was alone. I wasn’t in my thoughts necessarily but I remember thanking my Creator for this moment and for bringing me into a new season. Halfway into my jog, I felt something land on me. I don’t do insects at ALL so I was preparing myself to start screaming with disgust (I don’t give a hoot who sees me act a fool) when I noticed it was a beautiful orange and black butterfly.
Her wings were fluttering about but her body was perfectly still. I felt paralyzed. I was entranced by her. I had to stop and stare. And for that brief moment, I wasn’t in my head. I wasn’t tuned into my phone or listening to my inner thoughts scrambling with anxiety. I was simply caught up in the beauty of God’s creation.
As my day progressed, I didn’t think much of the butterfly or what she may have represented. Instead, I chose to distract myself with reading about things on Twitter. My phone has been dry since I blocked a lot of dudes and I’m actually okay with that part of it but I won’t lie to you, I had a fleeting moment where I wanted to hear from somebody so that they could cater to my feelings for just a little bit.
Sometimes, I just want my booty rubbed on, you know? *sigh*
My girl friend recently moved into a new place and I went over to her apartment to help her with decorating. As I’m helping her decorate, I come back to the realization that it’s been close to six months since I moved into my home and I still haven’t done anything to it. I blame it on me having my Moon in Gemini (as I’ve said before, I’m really into this Astrology shit ya’ll) because my mind is everywhere at once – I can start something but never finish it – case in point, this blog entry, I was supposed to have this done on my birthday but it is now three weeks later and I am finally finishing it up. Lawd! Help me!
By the fact that I am everywhere, I don’t tend to let my mind settle but that night being in my friend’s apartment helped shift something for me. It was then followed by me watching the season finale of Insecure where Issa decides to put herself first before any man and actually focus on something as simplistic as fixing up her place because self love is the best love.
To me, it was a confirmation of what I needed to accept: I need to do things that make me happy. I need to feel inspired.
How do you inspire yourself? You get out of your head, you put your phone down, you look at your living room and become focused on making that room your home, you write down your goals and you stop saying what you need to do, instead be like Nike and just do it.
I’m struck by how a few weeks ago, on the evening of my birthday, I sat with my friends bemoaning about crossing over into my thirties as if it was a punishment instead of an blessing. God has a way of showing up, revealing Himself in ways that you could not imagine. I believe it was God that caused that butterfly to land on me a day before my birthday, I believe it was Him guiding me back to my center, to myself, and causing me to be aware of this life that I’m living and how I’m letting things slip by me because I can’t can’t let go and let God work.
Some people may disagree with me but I don’t believe in luck at all. I do, however, believe in the divine power of God!
Let me tell you how things have changed and moved so quickly, I’ve lost twelve pounds (on Keto) since my birthday a few weeks ago. I’ve begun to decorate my place. My credit score increased by a lot of points last week. And I’m about to go on vacation to Jamaica…
You can’t tell me that God isn’t real! That He won’t move mountains in your life if you allow Him to!
I’m excited for this next venture of my life. I’m so hyped to be thirty ya’ll. This will be my best year yet, I know it. 🙂
P.S. My Mom and all my girlfriends tell me that the loving is the best for a woman in her thirties….LAWD, be a shield! Hehe.