If I Let Them…

“Hurts me the most when I wake
I fumble and twist, ’til the truth starts to click
There’s so much space in this bed
These sheets go for miles” – “If You Let Me” by Sinead Harnett

I’ve come to the forgone conclusion, in the last few weeks, that social media can introduce you into a bunch of…different type of people. I don’t want to date anyone that I’ve met on social media (please don’t DM me if I haven’t met you in person, you won’t get a reply). Honestly, I feel as if the mystery has been taken out of the mix of things when you choose to date someone you met online. It’s worked for some people in my life but it is not working for me and frankly, I don’t want it.

What I’ve begun to realize is that some men think that they know me because of memes I post on IG but really, they don’t know me at all.

They fall for a picture before they see the canvas.

Let me let you know something about me: I’m not an emotional person, even my mother can tell you that she worries that I don’t feel things enough because I don’t show any emotion about anything or anyone. And the truth is that I do feel things but I internalize my feelings and rationalize them in my head so when I happen to meet people who are emotional, I’m like a kid in a maze – I’m lost as heck. I don’t know what to do or how to react. And it triggers a reaction in me to run away.

I don’t like moving fast. I prefer a steady, slow progression. I like weighing my options. I’m really into Astrology y’all so bear with me but I’m a Libra – we are the sign of the scales – we are indecisive because we are always weighing our damn options because we do not want to make a wrong decision. Something so simple as getting lunch can take about thirty minutes to do if you’re with me because I can’t decide on where to go or once we get to somewhere, I won’t be able to decide on what to eat. It’s so freaking frustrating because I do this with a lot of decisions in my life, especially about men.

I weigh my options when I date. I know what I want. I know what I deserve and I’m confident in that but I am not confident in is moving quickly. Maybe it’s because I haven’t met that “one” yet because if I did, I wouldn’t necessarily care about weighing any damn pros and cons of a relationship.

Maybe I just think too damn much. That’s probably it.

Fuck.

Anyway, dating me is hard. I know it is. I am indecisive. I don’t latch on quickly and I’m not emotional so it’s a bit overwhelming for me when I meet someone for the first time and they let me know that they’re ALL in from the jump.

I recently met up with a guy, mind you, it was at a gas station for the first time and immediately, he was saying that he knew I was the one. In about a twenty-minute conversation, he laid out his personal demons, ex-wife cheating tales, vasectomy story (even though he said he would reverse his vasectomy if I became his wife) and everything else in between while I only revealed my last name. He then proceeded to tell me that he had to be the only man in my life and that we need to make things official ASAP.

His ass got blocked.

I met another man from online – we were in a group on Facebook and prior to us meeting in person, we had been texting and talking on the phone and he seemed eager and willing but I was open-minded to meet him. In person, he was cool as well but he accidentally chose a gay men’s bar for us to meet for the first time and we talked but I really don’t remember anything else about that night except seeing men twerk to Cardi B’s song “I Like It“.

I’ll be honest that this guy was friendly, nice and so sweet which peaked my interests to see what would happen between us. We had only been speaking for about a week or so when he hit me with like a four to five paragraph DM on Facebook and pretty much fucked everything up.

I’m all for men being honest and upfront because I am as well but he pretty much told me that he was okay with being friends but that he was worried that if he gets close to me that he would never be able to forget me, that he was extremely attached to me already and felt this strong pull to me,  among a lot of other things and I couldn’t understand where all of this was coming from.

And it creeped me the hell out.

You’re probably reading this thinking that I’m tripping’ and need to grow up but I’m the type of woman who if I don’t feel something for you, if there’s no chemistry or spark, I can’t force myself to feel something that just isn’t there. I don’t want to hurt anyone else but it astounds me when some men fall so quickly and maybe they feel a spark that I don’t but I still don’t get how you just know that this person is the right person for you.

I haven’t felt that way before. Don’t get me wrong because I want to feel it, I want to experience it, maybe more than anything else going on in my world right now but I want it to be reciprocated. He and I would be on the same wavelength. I would let him willingly and he would do the same for me. We should both feel it – long, written declarations of love aren’t necessary with us. We would be so in sync with one another – it should be an all-encompassing feeling and until I feel that way, I’m good with waiting.

Dating is hard enough in 2018 but meeting someone isn’t my cup of tea anymore. They think they really know me but they don’t have the slightest clue about me. And I’m not knocking on anyone else because what does not work for me could very well be everything for the next woman but as of right now?

I’m good luv, enjoy. 😉