I’m 35, And I’ve Never Been In A Relationship.

You read the title. 

This is no gimmick. This is not a drill. It isn’t clickbait. It’s my absolute truth. 

I turn thirty-five in six weeks, and I have never been in a relationship. 

I’m not ugly; I believe that I am pretty easy on the eyes, I am self-aware (I’ve spent many, many years reading self-help books, going to empowerment conferences, and meditating to call myself out on my own shit), and I happen to have a huge heart. 

I believe I am a catch. Wait. 

I know I am a catch. 

Yet, I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t know what it is like to get to know someone beyond the first few dates. I have no experience with growing, learning, and evolving with another person unless it’s my parents…do they count? 

No, I didn’t think so. 

Girlfriends tell me to keep this to myself. “Don’t tell anyone this…they will run for the hills.” 

But what happens if I meet someone and I have no idea how to proceed? To do regular, mundane things? To simply co-exist? Am I supposed to act like I have so much knowledge of being in a relationship when I have absolutely NADA?

I can’t live a lie but I also haven’t had a chance to test this theory. 

Let me be honest, there have been multiple instances where I possibly could have been in relationships with pretty decent men; I’ve had options where men wanted to pursue me, court me, and claim me. 

Outwardly, I proclaimed loudly and boldly that I desired to be married and to have a long-term partner but inwardly, when the Universe would send these dedicated, steady, caring men my way…

I would freeze up. Yes, I got scared, and I ran TF away. 

I was Julia Roberts in The Runaway Bride except I wouldn’t let myself get as far as a second date before I found reasons to justify my need to cut ties from these men.

I made up stories in my mind. 

He’s weird. 

This one’s too clingy. 

This one’s too nice. 

This one wants to talk to me too much! Like, let a sister BREATHE! Damn!

They provided consistency but I ran to inconsistency. 

They provided steadiness, and I ran to uncertainty. 

They gave nourishment, and I was drawn to men who never prioritized me and my needs. 

I liked the instability of the hot and cold of emotionally unavailable men. I saw them as a challenge. I looked at commitment as something to be fought for, and more than likely this stemmed from behavior I was taught by my father as a child but when you’re not aware of your patterns, you think that the stability is boring, and chaos feels like home. 

So, I guess I have contributed to the many years of me being single. I am what they call a late bloomer. 

I see friends, associates, and peers in love, or married — I don’t feel envy or jealousy, I know my journey is different than theirs but I sometimes look at myself like…

“Will you ever be ready for a real partnership?” 

One man I was having a conversation with said something as a joke but I took offense to it — he said that I desire a partner because I’m in my mid-30s, and my time is running out…

He had all of the time in the world but me? I was on a clock. 

The more I am single, the less I am valuable…right? 

The more that I get older, and I don’t have a man or children…the more I am technically undesirable to the opposite sex, right? 

Hell freaking no. 

That belief system is only valid if I allow it to be. The idea that time isn’t on my side is only relevant if I decide so. It seems like others always have an opinion about someone else’s personal journey, and if someone isn’t walking the line that others are used to then something is heavily wrong with them. 

None of my experiences have been time wasters or mistakes; they were all lessons. Sometimes, I endured the same lesson over and over, with a different man and different disappointment but they were all there for my greatest good…guiding me to a deeper understanding of myself. 

I silently wonder if I will ever be ready for a partnership but instinctively, I know that I am…

I’ve awaken to my patterns. I have owned, embraced and loved on my daddy wounds. I have forgiven my past situationships (I unblocked them all, and send love to them even if its from a distance) and I have forgiven myself for the choices I’ve made. 

Being 35, single, and never having to experience a relationship does not mean I am crazy, I am unwanted or invalid; I am woman who has earned her right to know who she is, what she wants, and how she deserves to be loved. 

Sometimes, that can take time to get to a deeper understanding of yourself. 

What’s on other people’s time clocks does not have to be on yours. 

We let society tell us that we’re worthy when truly our worth is defined solely by us. My worth isn’t tied to being a mother or someone’s partner. It is defined by how I choose to live, how I choose to show up for myself and how I choose to simply be. 

Tina Turner said once that (before she met her husband) she had never been loved by a man — fully loved as who she was — flaws and all — and that she desired that deeply but she knew that she would receive that kind of love once she had earned it. 

And, she did. 

That perspective has stuck with me especially in moments when I question if I will ever be ready for a partnership because I know that my person will show up, and I will be ready for him…whenever it happens because at that moment, I would have earned it. 

It will make sense why I had to be single for so long. It will make sense why my journey was different than others. It will make sense why this is happening the way it is, at this very moment. 

Until then, I shall continue to enjoy this present moment as if it is all that matters because for right now, it is.